Reflection: Peer-Editing

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1. What feedback was useful? Explain.

I thought that overall, the feedback supplied by my peers was above my expectations. Most of the time, peer-editing would be done through a no-care attitude. However, the people on my table were responsible editors and left comments that helped improve my paper. I thought it was really kind of Simeon to point out my mistakes by actually listing the different areas that had problems and also telling me how to fix it. Similarly, both Elizabeth and Justin also gave me some specific examples of where the problems in my essay existed, but not how to fix them. Most of the comments that were given were about the different problems that I had and proved to be a life-saver. There were many things, such as grammar mistakes, that were pointed out, and without the help of my peers, I wouldn’t have noticed these grade-affecting mistakes. I was really pleased by my feedback because it showed that my peers really cared about my work.

2. What feedback is confusing and/or not useful? Explain.

Although the feedback was excellent, there was a part that didn’t effectively help me. Elizabeth left one comment that said, “However there are areas where you can split a sentence into 2 so that it isn’t as clunky.” It was helpful for her to point out this problem, but it didn’t “effectively” help because I was unaware of where this problem was present. It made aware of this problem, but I think an example would have made it easier to discover this problem and fix it. She also stated that I used redundant words in sentences that sounded pretty okay to me. This made me question whether I used just go with what I had or listen to Elizabeth’s suggestion.

3. What primary changes or adjustments will you make for your final copy? Why? Explain what you’re hoping to accomplish for the final.

I will definitely take the more obvious mistakes I made in my essay, such as Justin’s suggestion that I should show more rather than tell and Simeon’s examples of how to fix my grammatical errors. These are mistakes that I strongly agree with my peer editors that I must change in the final copy of my essay. However, other points such as Justin’s comment that I should change my thesis into something more specific, will have to be thoroughly taken under consideration before I decide if I want to change anything about my thesis. This is because there are some feedbacks from my peers that may be hurting rather than helping my essay. I hope to accomplish an essay that draws the reader in and keeps the reader hooked. What is the point of writing an essay that people wouldn’t even want to read? I also want to be able to produce a high quality essay that wouldn’t make a reader have to read something twice before understanding it. I want my essay to flow smoothly and have no mistakes that would affect the reader’s perception of it.

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Brainstorm: Comparison Essay

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Thesis:

If life had a playback button, one would categorize my life as one far different than Josh’s life. Josh, the protagonist from the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer, and I, Aaron Ng from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, are not similar in the way we approached life, the way we were treated by the people around us, and the way we displayed maturity during the tender stages of childhood.

 

Approached life

Josh: didn’t want to “always win”

Let dad win

Didn’t complain about lessons

Me: always have to win

Always complained (violin)

 

Treated by others around us

Josh:

Parents supported him

Me:

Parents had a path that I had to follow

Maturity:

Josh:

Let dad beat him

Understand peoples feelings (let Vinnie stay at house)

Says: I think its ok not to win all the time and be the best

Humble

Me:

Show off to my friends

Think about when the next ultra-man episode was coming out

Ride in the front seat

Brave enough to walk in the dark

Strong enough to walk the dog.

Peer Editing: Comparison Essay

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Justin Yau:

Ideas: 4

I think the idea of comparing yourself with Josh is a good idea, but the arguments “such as the way you approached life” is extremely broad. Topic two could be narrowed down to a more precise argument in the thesis.
Content: 4

The contrast was too extreme in the first argument. It could have been better if it were narrowed down to more precise details, or by telling a story which portrayed these facts.
Organization: 9 followed the rubric clearly, but missing some key counterpoints.
Could start sentences differently instead of using “also…”

Elizabeth Lee:

Word Choice/Sentence Fluency/Voice: 8.5

Good word choice. I like the humor in the words you chose to use like “my blessing.” However there are areas where you can split a sentence into 2 so that it isn’t as clunky. Also, your tenses sometimes change which makes the reader work a little harder. Plus, you sometimes have redundant words like “bad habit…bad friend” –> i was a bad friend, and “extreme opposites” –> the extremes of the spectrum. Good job overall. I like the examples of  what you were like when you were small compared to Josh.

Simeon Pang:
Mechanics: 4.5

The second sentence: confusing to read with all the commas

“that not everybody has to be the best”: has?

“how he has already concluded”: has?

“was able to live through a matured lifestyle”: live through?

“,unlike specifically, my parents.”: perhaps you should write: “unlike my parents.”

 

Rough Draft: Comparison Essay

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A Glimpse of the Past

If life had a playback button, one would categorize my life as one far different than Josh’s life. Josh, the protagonist from the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer, and I, Aaron Ng from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, are not similar in the way we approached life, the way we were treated by the people around us, and the way we displayed maturity during the tender stages of childhood.

At the age of seven, Josh and I were far from similar in the attitude we had when encountering the cards dealt by life.  Although many people may think I was a quiet and shy boy growing up, I would tend not to believe so. Growing up I had a bad habit of being a bad friend. I was the type who wanted everything done my way and my way only. Friends would want to watch TV, but if it didn’t have my blessing, we would all be going outside to play soccer again for the hundredth time. When my magical powers seemed to be fading and friends started to disobey me, I would pull out my magical book of “How to Be a Bad Friend 101” and cast a spell that would spark my powers back to life. Usually I would choose a spell that involves chanting, or to some, it is better known as complaining, a tactic that was usually quite effective. Drowning my friends in boring complaints usually got them to do whatever I wanted. However, for Josh, this was not the case. Not only was he strangely attracted to the perplex game of chess, but he was also a really loyal friend and son. It was as if he was a totally different specimen; he did everything his parents asked him to do, whether he himself liked it or not. He was thrown into the competitive world of chess by his father, but he never complained, even when he was forced to take lessons from Bruce. A complaining and selfish spirit was characteristics that I possessed that were understandably different from Josh’s dream-like personality.

Josh, unlike me, was treated as an individual who was capable to choose what he would like to pursue in his own life. One may assume that everyone has their own personal interests and hobbies that would play a major role in determining what we do with our lives. However, this theory is not applicable in many Chinese lives, such as my own. I watch in envy as Josh’s parents smothered him in love by supporting his unrealistic passion for chess. As soon as it was revealed that Josh had the ability to play chess like no other, his dad immediately got him a chess teacher. I too, had tutors and teachers that were placed in my life by my loving parents. However, these were tutors that were instructed to teach me things that I personally never wanted to do. An example would be when I had to take violin lessons. I still remember the times I would drag my violin case up the staircase, making sure that each nasty thump of the violin hitting the staircase was audible to supplement my disapproval.  It would be untrue to say that I am ungrateful, but my parents never really supported the passions that I wanted to pursue. Things that were deemed “unrealistic pursuits”, such as soccer, weren’t accepted into my parents’ to-do-list.

Everybody shows signs of maturity at some stage of their life, but not necessarily in the same way. It is also widely said that maturity comes with age, but in Josh’s case, this quote might as well have been said by a drunkard. There were many times in the movie where Josh exhibited a level of maturity far more advanced than a typical seven year-old. He displayed a high level of understanding other people’s feelings when he suggested that Vinnie could stay in his room and not out on the streets any longer. At that age, I was probably fussing about when the next ultra-man episode was going to come out. Also, when Josh lost at one of the chess tournaments, he pondered on the idea that maybe it was okay to lose, that not everybody has to be the best and always win. This reveals how he has already concluded that life isn’t all about winning and that success is just a subjective idea, all only at the age of seven. However, I wasn’t that immature when I was young, it was just that I thought I was being a “big boy” by displaying maturity in different ways. I thought that being grown up meant that I had to prove to my parents that I was brave enough to walk in the dark alone, sensible enough to sit in the front seat, and strong enough to walk the dog. The way I defined maturity at a young age was just different than how Josh was able to live through a matured lifestyle.

Josh’s and my life can be put on extreme opposites of the same spectrum. He lived his life with an attitude of respect for others, especially his parents, and I lived life as a kid thinking that I was on top of the world. The people in Josh’s life added on to my envy as they were supportive towards his personal interests and passions, unlike specifically, my parents. Also, Josh was able to develop a level of maturity far earlier than I was able to at the age of seven. Therefore, the lives of Josh and I are differentiated through the way we lived our life as a kid, the way we were nurtured by those around us, and the levels of maturity that we displayed at the young age of seven.

Extra Parts Removed:

Some may say that it doesn’t sound too bad, that being a bossy kid is just glimpses of potential leadership skills awaiting development.

However, being a spoiled, dictator-like kid that I was, I demolished any possibilities of fun that my friends so greatly longed for.

There was even a point where Josh was just playing chess for his dad’s happiness, rather than for his own enjoyment.

Like Josh, I too was forced to take many different lessons from different tutors, but unlike Josh, I made sure my parents knew I hated to take lessons.

Not the kind of bad friend that tattle-tales on their friends or the kind that smudges their friends with bad influences.

Final: Comparison Essay

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A Glimpse of the Past

If life had a playback button, one would categorize my life as one far different than Josh’s life. Josh, the protagonist from the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer, and I, Aaron Ng from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, are not similar in the way we approached life at the age of seven, the way we were treated by the people around us at the age of seven, and the way we displayed maturity during the age of seven.

At the tender age of seven, Josh and I were far from similar in the attitude we had when encountering the cards dealt by life.  Although many people may think I was a quiet and timid boy growing up, I was the opposite. As a young lad, I had a habit of being a bad friend. Friends would want to watch TV, but if it didn’t have my blessing, we would all be going outside to play soccer again for the hundredth time. I was the type who wanted everything done my way and my way only. When my magical powers seemed to be fading and friends started to disobey me, I would pull out my magical book of “How to Be a Bad Friend 101” and cast a spell that would spark my powers back to life. Usually I would choose a spell that involves chanting, or to some, it is better known as complaining, a tactic that was usually quite effective. Drowning my friends in boring complaints usually got them to do whatever I wanted. However, for Josh, this was not the case. Not only was he strangely attracted to the perplex game of chess, but he was also a really loyal friend and son. It was as if he was a totally different specimen; he did everything his parents asked him to do, whether he himself liked it or not. He was thrown into the competitive world of chess by his father, but never complained, even when he was forced to stop doing the things he enjoyed to do. A complaining and selfish spirit was characteristics that I possessed that were understandably different from Josh’s dream-like personality.

Josh, unlike me, was treated as an individual who was capable enough to choose what to pursue in his own life. Some assume that everyone has their own personal interests and hobbies that would one day play a major role in determining what we do with our lives. However, this theory is not applicable in many Chinese lives, such as my own. I watched in envy as Josh’s parents smothered him in love by supporting his unrealistic passion for chess. As soon as it was revealed that Josh had the ability to play chess like no other, his dad immediately got him a chess teacher. I too, had tutors and teachers that were placed in my life by my loving parents. In contrast to Josh’s tutor though, these were tutors that were instructed to teach me things that conflicted with my personal interests. An example of this would be when I had to take violin lessons. I still remember the times I would drag my violin case up the staircase, making sure that each nasty thump of the violin hitting the staircase was audible to supplement my disapproval.  It would be untrue to say that I am ungrateful, but my parents never really supported the passions that I wanted to pursue. Ideas that were deemed “unrealistic pursuits”, such as soccer, weren’t accepted into my parents’ to-do-list.

Everybody shows signs of maturity at some stage of their life, but not necessarily in the same way. It is widely said that maturity comes with age, but in Josh’s case, this quote might as well have been said by a drunkard. There were many times in the movie where Josh exhibited a level of maturity far greater than a typical seven year-old. He displayed an ability to understand other people’s feelings by suggesting that Vinnie could stay in his room, instead of the park. Rather than caring for others at that age, I was probably fussing about when the next ultra-man episode was going to come out. Another example where Josh displayed maturity was when he lost at one of the chess tournaments. He then pondered on the idea that maybe it was okay to lose, that not everybody had to be the best and always win. This reveals how he had already concluded that life isn’t all about winning and that success is just a subjective idea. However, I wouldn’t say that I was unbelievably immature when I was young. I always thought that I was being a “big boy” by performing certain actions. I thought that being a grown up meant that I had to prove to my parents that I was brave enough to walk in the dark alone, sensible enough to sit in the passenger seat of the car, and strong enough to walk the dog. The way I defined maturity at a young age was just different than Josh’s tendency to live life through a matured lifestyle.

Josh’s and my life can be put on opposite sides of the same spectrum. He lived his life with an attitude of respect for others, while I lived a naïve life thinking that I was on top of the world. I was also envious of the people in Josh’s life because of their supportive jesters towards his personal interests and passions, unlike my parents. To my surprise, Josh was able to develop a level of maturity far earlier than I was able to at the age of seven. Therefore, the lives of Josh and I are differentiated through the way we lived our life as a kid, the way we were nurtured by those around us, and the levels of maturity that we displayed at the young age of seven.