Peer-Editing: Loved

Standard

Michael Liu:

Ideas/Content: 4.5/5

I think that this is pretty creative and you have a lot of great ideas. i admire the way that you describe how things happen. You could consider making this longer though. and maybe add some paragraphing to it, because this is an essay not a quick write anymore.
Organization: 4/5
Again, i think that you should organize your essay into at least five separate paragraphs. with an intro and a conclusion with three body paragraphs.

David Zhang:

Word Choice/Voice: 4.5/5
You chose your words very carefully. This is good, but in some cases, words like ‘enigma’ and ‘phenomenon’ sort of detracted from the story. It sounds like you are trying to write a poem, and it works, but the big words seem to make it sound more scholarly. This quickwrite was written from the heart, but it doesn’t always sound that way. Some people say that the words of the heart are the simplest of all. You might want to keep that in mind. You spoke your heart, and you spoke it well.

Justin Ng:

Sentence Fluency: 4/5

The assault of questions in the beginning worked pretty well, but the sentences after that seem fragmented and stand-alone. Might need some reviewing there.
Mechanics: Tense agreement should be observed in the first sentence. In the second one also; “had?” So are you doing it now or just before the thought? Also, in the third sentence, “has.” “Rescinding” is the wrong word there, CTRL-F.

Advertisements

Final: Loved

Standard

Loved

The morning birds chirped as sunlight seeped through the curtains into every corner of my room. The sound of the ringing alarm clock reminded me of my responsibilities as a student. As I strolled through a day filled with wonders and unforgettable events, I never gave much thought to the factors at play behind this remarkable opportunity. Who or what is this mysterious life form that has enabled me to embark on this journey as a student? Who or what is this enigma that has allowed me to smile with my friends, laugh with my classmates, and develop my athletic and academic abilities? This invisible hand at work stays unknown and hidden to many, and like a vigilante, secretly rescuing the lives of many from the endless obstacles that are hurled at them.

Without making a single request, this mysterious figure has met and satisfied all of my needs. Why does he do this? This is a question that has consumed hours of deep thought, without ever being able to produce an answer. My life has been enriched through the forms of friends, teachers, books, and unbelievable experiences, but how does he benefit from all of this? There has to be a reason. In this world filled with selfish manifestations and ambitious individuals who only search for self-improvement, how can there not be one?

I have heard tales of places and people who have been seen demonstrating true love. Could that be it? Could all this just be based on an abstract idea that seems too unreal to be true? This can’t be it. This is an idea that is impossible to have survived in a cruel world such as this. In this world, for every two minutes that passes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted, and of all the rapists responsible for these crimes, only 3% are put in jail. Meaning that, by the time you are done reading this essay, someone has been put through this unimaginably painful experience. This world has been a nest to evil, nurturing its despicable eggs that await their time to erupt and throw the world into eternal chaos.

However, even if there was a slightest chance of this being true, what have I ever done to deserve this? I do not remember doing anything worthy of Godly praise or a celebration in Heaven. Maybe I should start trying to repay this act of undeserved kindness towards my life. Maybe I should start appreciating what I have rather than coveting the greener grass on the other side. Maybe if I work hard enough at school, train hard enough at soccer, and practice long enough on my saxophone, I can satisfy this being. I want to make this charitable being feel that developing me was worth it and that I am worthy of its affection.

Is this what life is all about, to prove my existence? No. I take it all back. I’m proud to say that I’ve been in contact with this specimen multiple times in my life. As I have said before, it did not want anything in return, but “just a smile here and a chuckle there would do.” But although he has never requested anything of me, it is sometimes good for me to say three simple words back, “Thank you dad.”

Rough Draft: Loved

Standard

Quick write

What has occurred in my past that has made me feel incredibly well loved?

I always woke up early as the sunshine seeped into my room reminding me of my responsibilities as a student. As I strolled through a day filled with wonders and unforgettable events, I had never thought much of the factors at play behind this remarkable opportunity. Who or what was this mysterious phenomenon that has enabled me to embark on this journey as a student? Who was this enigma who has allowed me to smile with friends, laugh with classmates, and develop my athletic and academic abilities? This invisible hand at work is unknown to many as he stays hidden, making the lives of many easier to handle the many obstacles that come hurling at them.

Without the need to make a single request, this mysterious figure has met all my needs nonetheless. Why does he do this? What benefits can he gain from this charitable donation in my life? These are questions that can devour hours of deep thought and still not produce an answer. My life is enriched through the forms of friends, teachers, books, and unbelievable experiences, but where is the benefit for him in all this? There had to be one. In this world filled with selfish beasts and ambitious people who only search for self-improvement, how can there not be one? I have heard tales of places and people who have true love rescinding in them. Could that be it? Could all this just be based on an abstract idea that seems so unreal? This was a possibility that seemed too impossible to have survived in such a world as this.

However, if there was a slight chance of this being true, what have I done to deserve this? This thought begun to act as a constant reminder that I must prove that I am worthy of such a blessing. Although he does not require it, it is sometimes good for me to say three simple words, “Thank you dad.”