Peer-Editing: College Essay

Standard

Justin Chang:
Ideas/content: 4/5
You portray the image really well. I can see the idea that you are bringing out and you can bring a picture into my mind about the ideal world.

Organization: 4/5
You made the paper flow pretty well and I can understand you P.O.V. from your eyes. However if I could say something is that sometimes in your paper you are bringing me on a lot of sharp turns in some areas. Like the connection from paragraph 3-4 was a little choppy but all in all great paper

Jayme Hui:
Word Choice : 4.5/5
I felt the scene was described really well due to the good amount of different vocabulary. A lot of the phrases like “passion and purpose” and “sense of unity and drive” really helped to get what you wanted across clearly.

Sentence Fluency : 4/5
In general the paper flowed really nicely in that I could read it without too many breaks or confusion over a sentence. However there are a few mistakes in sentences that, although I understood what you’re trying to say, made me want to reread the sentence or phrase.

Jon Chung:
Voice: 4.5/5
I like your unique sense of voice and I could imagine you standing in front of the class, telling us about this scenario.

Mechanics: 5/5
I couldn’t really spot out any mechanical errors. It’s really well done, and I can tell that you read over it once or twice to make sure there were no errors.

Final: College Essay

Standard

The Perplexed Perfection

People zoom right and left, their faces radiating joy as they breeze past their fellow citizens. Look at that right there, smiles and jokes are shared between the shopkeeper and that boy who has just knocked down the store’s apple stand. As I continued to gaze right and left, I attempted to catch a glimpse of anything that seemed normal to me. Where were the beggars? The people arguing on the streets? The pick-pockets? The scene was too perplexing, everything seemed too peaceful, too relaxed, too happy, and too perfect.

Could this be real? I gaped in awe at the unchanging picture. It was almost like it was a movie or documentary on how a perfect community looked like. It was as if a narrator was in the background explaining and elucidating everything that was going on. I blinked once, twice, thrice, still waiting for something crazy to happen, to change, and to wake me from this dream.  What was the latest movie or book that I had read? There has to be a reason behind this unsettling, yet comforting scene.

I scanned the spectacle once again and something caught my eye. A little boy, around 4 or 5, was being swung back and forth between his parents as the trio walked down the street. I pressed my ear against the window as I strained to pick up the words that were flowing out of their mouths. I was just able to catch some words and the tune they were singing to, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones…” They glided past the window as if I didn’t exist. They were at touching-distance from my window, and I could now hear the Christian family shouting the words of the song with passion and purpose. They weren’t afraid nor ashamed, it was as if it was a daily routine, something that they were proud of.

All of sudden, one by one, people seemed to assemble behind the family, joining in with the tune. There were some people who were dancing, others who were shouting, and even more who were whistling along with the tune. It was as if the family was a drummer boy, stirring up emotions and placing purpose into the hearts of the soldiers who were marching behind them. The army seemed to be marching towards their base with a sense of unity and drive. Their base was actually just an ordinary building that had ushers at the doors smiling and greeting the people that filed in. A large sign above the door announced the words, “Welcome to the temple of God”.

The scene seemed to unravel itself to me as I finally understood why there was so much peace in the picture, why there was so much love shown through the interactions of the people, and why no one was afraid or ashamed of what they believed in. Everyone had a common belief and point of view that could not make this society any more flawless. There seemed to be an unending list of benefits that poured out from this simple and wonderful mindset, that God is real.

A weary smile swept across my face as I let out a soft, brief chuckle at the thought that this could be how the world would look like if it were to live up to its potential.  My eyes started to droop and my mind started to go blank as I drifted back into a long, deep sleep.

Rough Draft: College Essay

Standard

Prompt:

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. [Williams College]

The Perplexed Perfection

People zoom right and left, their faces absorbing and radiating joy as they breeze past their fellow citizens. Look at that right there, smiles and jokes are shared between the shopkeeper and that boy who has just knock down the store’s apples stand. As I continued to gaze right and left, I attempted to catch a glimpse of anything that seemed normal to me. Where are the beggars? The people arguing on the streets? The pick-pockets? The scene was too perplexing, everything seemed too peaceful, too relaxed, too happy, and too perfect.

Could this be real? I gaped in awe at the unchanging picture. It was almost like it was a movie or documentary on the topic of how a perfect community looked like. It was as if a narrator was in the background explaining and elucidating everything that was going on. I blinked once, twice, thrice, waiting for something crazy to happen, to change, to wake me from this dream.  What was the latest movie or book that I had read? There has to be a reason behind this unsettling, yet comforting scene.

I scanned the spectacle once again and something caught my eye. A little boy, around 4 or 5, was being swung back and forth in between his parents as the trio walked down the street. I pressed my ear against the window as I strained to pick up the words that were flowing out of their mouths. I was able to catch some words and the tune they were singing to, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones…” They glided past the window as if I didn’t exist. They were in touching distance from my window, and I could now hear the Christian family shouting the words of the song with passion and purpose. They weren’t ashamed, it was as if it was a daily routine, something that they were proud of.

All of sudden, one by one, people seemed to assemble behind the family, joining in with the tune. There were some people who were dancing, others who were shouting, and even more who were whistling along with the tune. It was as if the family was the drummer boys, stirring up the emotions and driving purpose into the hearts of the soldiers who were marching alongside and behind them. The army seemed to be marching towards their base with a sense of unity and drive. Their base was actually just an ordinary building that had ushers at the doors smiling and greeting the people that filed in. A large sign above the door announced the words, “Welcome to the temple of God”.

The scene seemed to unravel itself to me as I finally understood why there was so much peace in the picture, why there was so much love shown through the interactions of the people, why no one was afraid or ashamed of what they believed in. Everyone had a common belief and point of view that could not make this society any more flawless. There seemed to be an unending list of benefits that poured out from this simple and wonderful mindset, that God is real.

A weary smile swept across my face as I let out a soft, brief chuckle at the thought that this could be how the world would look like if it were to live up to its potential.  My eyes started to droop and my mind started to go blank as I drifted off into a long, deep sleep.