Justin Yau:
Ideas: 4
I think the idea of comparing yourself with Josh is a good idea, but the arguments “such as the way you approached life” is extremely broad. Topic two could be narrowed down to a more precise argument in the thesis.
Content: 4
The contrast was too extreme in the first argument. It could have been better if it were narrowed down to more precise details, or by telling a story which portrayed these facts.
Organization: 9 followed the rubric clearly, but missing some key counterpoints.
Could start sentences differently instead of using “also…”
Elizabeth Lee:
Word Choice/Sentence Fluency/Voice: 8.5
Good word choice. I like the humor in the words you chose to use like “my blessing.” However there are areas where you can split a sentence into 2 so that it isn’t as clunky. Also, your tenses sometimes change which makes the reader work a little harder. Plus, you sometimes have redundant words like “bad habit…bad friend” –> i was a bad friend, and “extreme opposites” –> the extremes of the spectrum. Good job overall. I like the examples of what you were like when you were small compared to Josh.
Simeon Pang:
Mechanics: 4.5
The second sentence: confusing to read with all the commas
“that not everybody has to be the best”: has?
“how he has already concluded”: has?
“was able to live through a matured lifestyle”: live through?
“,unlike specifically, my parents.”: perhaps you should write: “unlike my parents.”
