You portray the image really well. I can see the idea that you are bringing out and you can bring a picture into my mind about the ideal world.
You made the paper flow pretty well and I can understand you P.O.V. from your eyes. However if I could say something is that sometimes in your paper you are bringing me on a lot of sharp turns in some areas. Like the connection from paragraph 3-4 was a little choppy but all in all great paper
Word Choice : 4.5/5
I felt the scene was described really well due to the good amount of different vocabulary. A lot of the phrases like “passion and purpose” and “sense of unity and drive” really helped to get what you wanted across clearly.
Sentence Fluency : 4/5
In general the paper flowed really nicely in that I could read it without too many breaks or confusion over a sentence. However there are a few mistakes in sentences that, although I understood what you’re trying to say, made me want to reread the sentence or phrase.
I like your unique sense of voice and I could imagine you standing in front of the class, telling us about this scenario.
I couldn’t really spot out any mechanical errors. It’s really well done, and I can tell that you read over it once or twice to make sure there were no errors.